So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
