So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
