Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
