my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
