Jerry, you need to find god
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
