I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
