Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize