He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
