The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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