I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
