mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
