thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
