If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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