i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
