I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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