Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
