is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
