Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
