Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just pynch a tree in the face
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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