Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
