do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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