youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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