True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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