He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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