this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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