genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
