so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
