Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize