There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
