My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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