i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
