the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
