he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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