terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
