I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
