why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
