Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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