jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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