hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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