Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
