You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
