I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
