I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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