i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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