Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
