Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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