Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
