sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize