You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
