I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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