The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
