I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize