oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
