I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
