he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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