What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
