this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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