There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize