Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
As shirtless as possible
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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