Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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