party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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