So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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