Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize