i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
this is an emotional support booty call
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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