I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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